I sat and watched a neighbor trying to figure out what was wrong with my car. With his
head under the hood he started calling various auto stores asking for a specific part.
After his fourth call with no luck, I chimed in, “This is the point where my husband would
have thrown the phone down.” He chuckled and replied that he was used to this. It was
just part of the process of fixing cars. Why could he control his frustration but my
husband couldn’t? Why are we all at different stages of processing our emotions?
Emotions are just emotions…..aren’t they? They are not who we are and they are not facts. They are a result of the story we each tell ourselves and 100 different people can have 100 different stories about the same event. We can let them go. But how? We all have triggers that frustrate us or make us want to crawl
back into bed.
No one has taught most of us how to deal with our emotions and most people spend
most of their life living in their mind and worrying about things that will never happen.
Identify Your Emotion
It’s really important to call an emotion what it is by identifying it as, “I am feeling thisway” instead of saying, “I am this way.” Then, you better realize that it is a temporary emotion. You aren’t sad. You aren’t a loser. You are only feeling a certain emotion at a certain period of time. Think of all the emotions you feel standing in line for a roller coaster. Excited. Nervous. Scared. Nothing changed about that roller coaster while you stood in line. Only the story in you mind changed as got closer to getting on it.Let’s pretend that you get a 3% raise at work. You feel happy and start thinking of things you might do with the extra money. At lunch, you find out that your colleague got a 5% raise and you two have the same responsibilities. Suddenly your joy turns to frustration and confusion. You did not suddenly go from being a happy person to a sad person. You simply experienced a change in your emotion. By learning to talk about how you feel it will empower you to let go and manage those feelings in a more productive way.
Your Emotions Can Keep You From Progressing
When you feel an emotion, it’s usually due to a story you are telling yourself.
A friend of mine told me a story that was a great example. Her Mom had reached out to
her regarding her Dad’s estate plan (her Mom and Dad were separated and my friend
was the executor.) Her Dad wanted to divide his estate in unequal parts based on
where his children were geographically and financially. Her Mom threatened to quit going to
any family events if she let this happen. My friend quickly discounted it; saying she’d make sure everything was equal but it left her feeling threatened and confused She really didn’t know
how to process her Mom’s strange behavior as her Dad wasn’t even sick!
A few months later, my friend found out that a close friend of her Mom’s family was in a
huge dispute over their parent’s estate plan. It had torn their family apart. My friend
quickly realized that her Mom’s concern was based on her love for her family and fear the might thing would happen to her children.
What was the difference between my friend feeling threatened and then feeling loved?
The story she was telling herself!
Whatever is causing your emotion, take a step back and ask if what you are thinking is
100% true. If you can’t say yes then being sad, frustrated or whatever you are feeling is
a waste of your time. It is the way you interpret what is happening that creates suffering;
not the emotions themselves.
Have faith in the best case scenario. Take action to clarify what has happened if
possible. But don’t spend your time telling yourself a story over and over causing negative emotions that is not 100% true. Your brain’s job is not to make you happy but to
ensure your survival.
Your brain gives more weight to adverse events than to positive ones which is why it’s
so easy to assume the worst! That’s why when you look at reviews online it’s easier to read the negative ones so that you know what to look out for.
Practice Makes Perfect
Just like saving money or running a 5K, it’s all about commitment and taking action. When you are working through a transformational process, it will likely feel uncomfortable at first. That’s how you know you are growing.It’s the same when your muscles are sore from lifting weights. They are changing!
Our own minds create chemicals more powerful than any pain reliever. It’s not that we
“think” we experience something in a more positive way- We actually “experience” it too.
A positive attitude doesn’t change what happens but it changes the way you experience
it.
Watch out for internal dialalge that creates suffering but does nothing to help solve the
problem. Take action to reduce mental suffering.
So here are some examples:
1. Yesterday my teenage daughter acted like I was killing her when I forced her to
get a haircut. Instead of thinking, “There is something wrong with this child” I
focused on my intent which was “to spend time together.”
2. Instead of focusing on spending money on fixing my car, I’m grateful that I’ve
found a new resource in our neighborhood that will save me a lot of money by
not taking it to a dealership with overhead.
Scientists used to believe that humans responded to information flowing into the brain
from the outside world. But what we now know is that instead, we respond to what the
brain — based on our own previous experience — expects to happen next.
In fact, the mind is such a powerful instrument; it can deliver literally everything you
want through the power of positive expectation (or negative.)
This is the importance of always holding a positive expectation that what you want or
think is going to happen. It is simply a choice and a discipline of the mind.
Be sure to check out my free “Meaningful Life Jumpstart.”
Jen